Dear little Stormy pt 1

Stormy;

(of weather) characterized by strong winds and usually rain, thunder, lightning, or snow.

(of the sea or sky) having large waves or dark clouds because of windy or rainy conditions.
Characterized by violent emotions, passions, speech, or actions.

Wow… Those are big shoes to fill.

With a God-given name like that, how is it possible that you do not have a wildly beautiful purpose to fill in this lifetime?

How is it possible that you are not meant to be everything you are today and yet so much more tomorrow?

How is it possible that you ever, even once, doubted the beauty that lies deep within your soul?

The hurt feelings you struggled with growing up with a name as wild and free as this and the spirit of a lone wildflower to go along with it, were not your fault.
Nor were they the fault of others.
You were all just kids. You didn’t know how to love yourself more. They didn’t know how to love themselves more.
Although, kids can be dicks and words can hurt just as much as a fist to the gut. And there were sure times you would have rather taken that fist right to the gut than the lasting sting of their words every time you looked in the mirror.

The many times that you thought to yourself, “Why couldn’t I just be like Samantha? She is easy going and everyone likes her?
Why can’t I be Katie?
With a smile that lights up a room and makes everyone want to be her friend?
Why do I have to be a loudmouth, messy ass Stormy? ”

The many times you called yourself “Chloe” while doing pretend math assignments given to you by your, rather bossy and always demanding little sister, Chelsie.
“Why couldn’t I be Chelsie?
Why couldn’t I be anybody else?
Anybody in the whole world?
WHY do I have to be Stormy?”

And then, like the magic you believed only existed in TV shows, it happened.
The day you had wished for your whole existence.
The day you were told you not only could be someone else but that you had to be someone else.
The day you were told:

“Stormy is not an appropriate first name. Stormy makes people think of bad things. We don’t want people thinking you are a bad thing. Pick your new name. Any name you want.”

And just like that, You went from the wild child Stormy Jean Stoy that made others associate your face with “turbulence” to the meek and mild-mannered Stephanie Anne Taylor.

It’s not your fault that out of any name in the world. You didn’t choose Zena the Warrior Princess, Oprah Winfrey, Brittany Spears, or even Cardi B, Instead, you chose Stephanie Anne Taylor.

You didn’t realize that you were meant for ALL THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS. At that moment you just wanted to be normal.
You wanted to be invisible.
You wanted to be good…. Not bad.
You just wanted to be plain ole Stephanie.
It’s not your fault that just as quickly as you were bestowed such a name as Stephanie Anne Taylor, you would have to return it and once more become that untamed Stormy Jean Stoy.

It’s not your fault that the very people who were supposed to show you such unconditional love that you had no option but to, in return, love yourself without condition, by any name given, Chose to reaffirm the opinion of a world full of people who placed judgment on a name.
It’s not your fault that the BIG emotions of childhood trauma were just not safe with most people.

Let’s be honest, it’s not their fault either.

It’s easy as adults to forget that we have options to see past what the world deems as “true” and think for ourselves.

Today, I pray that Billy and Sherry have broken free from such restricted and confining ways of thinking. I pray that they have forgiven themselves as I have forgiven them. They are human.
Just as you are.

It’s not your fault that upon returning to school after the summer between 6th and 7th grade the name “Stormy” was no longer associated with turbulence, It was now associated with a womanly figure complete with the widest child baring hips in all of Alice Robertson middle school, thunder thighs that you now had to buy jeans to fit rather than your waist, and a bubble butt that would soon earn you the nickname “bubblelicious”.

It’s not your fault that the attention you were soon getting from the boys filled a void within you that you had been searching to fill your whole life and the envy of the girls made you feel ashamed and disgusted by your body.

What a confusing state of mind to be stuck in.
Always somewhere between high on attention and low on shame.
Never knowing rather you wanted to spotlight or the shadow. It’s not your fault you didn’t know how to love yourself.

Although none of these things were “your fault” they are now your responsibility to heal.
So heal baby girl…. HEAL.