Be the lighthouse

Statistically

I should be a junkie.

I should, at this very moment, be passed out with a needle in my arm.

On the dirty floor of a trap house with no running water and man-eating roaches crawling on the walls.

I should be outside of the liquor store begging for change to buy my next bottle.

Drowning my trauma in tequila.

I should be begging that my next fix is the one that finally does me in.

But I’m not.

I have worked since I was 15 years old to build the life opposite of what I grew up in.

I have also watched as that life fell apart.

And I worked to build it up even stronger.

A home.

A beautiful and dependable vehicle.

Two jobs that provide security.

Stability… that I have built for myself.

Everything that I craved as a child; I have given to myself.

Statistically

My kids should be somewhere, lost in the system that I grew up in.

Being shuffled around from stranger to stranger.

From home to home.

From school to school.

From place to place.

Statistics would have me working on a plan to get them back, maybe a supervised visit from time to time.

But they aren’t.

Sometimes I threaten to take them and drop them off somewhere just to show them that they don’t have it near as bad as they think they do.

They are loved.

They are secure.

They are given space to be who they are.

Statistically

I should be dead.

I was twelve years old the first time I looked at myself in the mirror.

Looked at the prescription anti-depressants in my hand.

Looked back at my reflection in the mirror and decided that the best plan of action to take moving forward was to swallow the entire bottle and not wake back up.

I was sixteen years old when I first found relief in the razor blade running across my thigh.

At 33 years old I still found myself begging God to just let me die.

But I am here.

None of this is by accident or coincidence.

I was chosen.

I am who my bloodline has been waiting for.

Addiction.

Abuse.

Neglect of others.

Neglect of self.

Neglect of mental health.

All of my generational curses.

They ran in my family;

Until they ran into ME.

I’m not sure why God chose me.

I don’t know why he blessed me with the strength to break these cycles.

But, he did.

If you can relate to this… Welcome.

We are the way-showers.

The lighthouses.

The magic makers.

The truth-tellers and the change seekers.

As beautiful as your purpose is, it’s extremely difficult sometimes.

I just want to remind you that your purpose is unimaginably important… so… you will face things that others never will.

Life will absolutely not be easy for you.

Lessons that must be learned will not be easy ones for us.

We are the alchemist. Our gift is the ability to find the light in the darkness.

To transform pain into beauty.

This is our purpose.

We must first learn to heal our shadows.

And these shadows WILL run deep.

But we still must learn to find the light within our darkness because we are meant to be the light in the dark for others.

Being the light means that sometimes we will have to walk through the darkness hand in hand with other people.

To be a true light- we must be able to do so without judgment.

How can you truly stand in another person’s darkness without judgment if you have not stood in your own personal darkness surrounded by judgment yourself?

We must learn to heal ourselves to be able to trigger healing in others.

How do we heal ourselves?

Self-love is always the answer. It will save you every time.

You will learn, over and over how to love yourself.

When you think you have mastered self-love… you will find that there is another level to reach.

Self-love will be our biggest mountain to climb.

We can only love others at the level that we love ourselves.

And your purpose is to show unconditional love to the world.

How can you unconditionally love someone who is lost in the darkness if you can’t unconditionally love your reflection?

You are a mirror.

You must love the reflection you are showing to others.

Filling your cup will become the utmost important part of your journey because we can not rely on others to do it for us. Not because they won’t want to, but because they will not be able to.

This brings me to my next point.

You will curse God for giving you the heart that you have.

Your magic is found in the way that you love.

Most people will never be able to experience love in the capacity that you do.

You will be the only example of unconditional love that some will ever experience. This will be very scary for most people.

What do people do when they are scared?

They run.

Because you love from a place so deep in the heart that most never find, because you have transformed the darkness into light, because you can see the light in others that they don’t see in themselves and love them for it… you will often attract those that need to be reminded that they also hold the light.

This is your purpose.

And it will break your heart over and over again.

I promise you that you are not alone when you ask God why you were cursed with the heart that you have.

I am here, today to remind you that this is not a curse.

This is a blessing.

A privilege of the highest honor.

To know that YOU were able to show someone what TRUE LOVE feels like in a world that is built on anything but true love.

It is okay and completely valid to feel like you don’t want it from time to time.

This is when we need to look within ourselves and find what those people are mirroring back to us.

It was put on my mind today because I am not the only one who needed the reminder.

So, here It is.

Your magic is a special kind of magic.

You will not fit in with everyone.

In fact, you will not fit with most.

You are a mirror the reflects something most are not in a place to have reflected to them.

They will either

1. Be inspired to find the magic that they hold
2. Reject your magic

Either way- the reaction is theirs.

It has nothing to do with you.

Be magic regardless.

Walk in your authenticity and be proud of who you are.

God chose YOU.

He blessed you with your brand of magic and a purpose to go along with it.

Do not let others’ reactions to who you are put your magic in a box that it has no business being in.

Use it!!!