Yellow

I Today affirm that I am in love with being YELLOW!!

I have never been a subscriber to coincidence.

Even as a child I knew that everything happened with purpose, usually had no idea what the purpose was, but always had to find and keep the faith that there was a reason for it.

As an adult, I KNOW without a doubt that every person that is placed in my path is placed there for a reason.

The woman that I wanted to yank from the front seat of her car after she flipped me off before cutting me off at the intersection and speeding through the red light…

The odd fella that showed up on my doorstep a few days ago telling me that God had laid it on his heart to give me and my boys his favorite bible…

The teenage girl that put her hands up to stop me as I was coming out of the door at the grocery store to tell me how pretty I look in my dress…

Every single person that the universe leads to my blog to read my words…

All in my path with purpose.

But sometimes God sends people who will play a monumental role in your life. People who, at first glance, seem like anyone else, but in reality, were handpicked and made specifically for you.

People who were meant to be mirrors for your soul that will reflect pieces of you that HAVE to be looked at. HAVE to be faced. HAVE to be healed.

At 17, I met the man that I would spend sixteen years of my life learning lessons from.

There were no sparks when we met.

There was no Disney movie moment where our hands touched and fireworks went off in the distance.

There was not much chemistry.

But what was there was an understanding for each other on a different level.

There was a darkness in both of us that we recognized in each other.

There was a pain in his ocean blue eyes that I saw and wanted to love away because it reflected my pain. I saw the opportunity to be a savior;

Because… if I can save you… if I can make you better… how could you ever leave me?

That’s how it works right????

He quickly became the mirror to my codependency. I tried for lifetimes to be what he needed to become whole and find what I needed within him to become whole myself. I lost myself completely trying to find my light in him because I tried to find it by being his savior. I killed off so many pieces of myself trying to fit into the box he thought I should fit into. I shrunk myself to fit into a box that I had no business fitting into.

Once we separated I was finally able to see what he was meant to reflect- the fact that he did not force me into the box, I willingly put myself into the box because I was terrified to lose him. I was terrified to be alone. He reflected to me the depths of my codependency. The root of my abandonment issues. My unbelievable need for security and the fact that I had an extremely distorted definition of what security was.

Soon after my separation, I found myself deep in conversation with an old classmate. I quickly realized that he and I had so much in common. It was easy to talk to him and he always had something positive to say. He was like my own personal hype man.

But- as per usual, he had a soul that needed to be healed, and my survival instinct kicked in…. SAVE HIM!!! If you save him, he will always be around.

God had once more placed a mirror in my life to reflect that wound that needed to be cleaned and healed- instead, I let it bleed for months. I sat and picked at the wound until it got infected because he fed into my self-esteem. He boosted my confidence when I was unable to do so for myself.

I refused to look at the reflection in the mirror because he was doing the work I needed to be doing for me, as I coddled him in the way he needed.

Codependency at its finest.

That’s when God got tired of me avoiding my reflection and he brought in the big guns.

That’s when he brought sunshine into my life.

When I tell you he brought the sunshine.. that’s exactly what I mean.

Not just any sunshine either- I’m talking about March sunshine.

You know, in winter, everything dies under the cold, gray sky.

The grass turns brown, the trees lose their leaves, the animals go into hibernation.

Everything is dead.

Then…. In March, the sun comes back around. The grass grows, the flowers bloom, the birds chirp again. The sun has not only come back, but it has brought life back with it.

That… is the kind of sunshine God blessed me with when he brought this man into my life. And, once again, I did what I do best….ATTACH!!!!

Dug my claws in, held on for dear life, closed my eyes, and prayed for the best.

When I was with him Little Stormy was safe to be herself. Those parts of me that I didn’t allow into the box were brought back to life. Parts of me that had long since been forgotten were given a safe place to resurface.

He left my life just as quickly as he had come into it.

I was devastated. My heart was completely shattered. Brought to my knees and I didn’t know how to get up.

This man was THE mirror that was meant to reflect my lack of self-love and boundaries. He reflected to me the same sunshine that I had searched for in others but never bothered to find in myself. I had no choice other than to look myself in the mirror and find the light- because my world had once more been filled with darkness.

Thanks to the reflections in all of the mirrors throughout my life, today I can stand and look at my own reflection in my mirror and say –

I am who I am

– The color yellow.

When I walk into a room as myself, people will see the color yellow- not blue, not purple, not pink.. Yellow.

Yellow isn’t for everyone.

Every single person has the right to decide if they like yellow or not. If they don’t, that’s okay, because I LOVE yellow and my people will LOVE yellow as well.

It’s okay if yellow is not for them.

What is not okay is me watering down my yellow. It’s not okay to paint myself blue for those that prefer blue. And it’s not okay for people to try to talk me into becoming blue for them.

I am so grateful for every single reflection I have seen in every single mirror I have been given.

So today I ask you:

What is God trying to reflect to you and what are you reflecting to the world?