Lotus flower

“TAG!!! You’re it!!”

I yelled through my laughter as I ducked out of Mrs. Williams’s rose bush, ambushing Jessi.

She rolled her eyes as she spoke;

“Fine, but stop cheating asshole! Or I’m going to tell your mom.”

Jessi was my best friend.

Really, she was my only friend.

She lived right across the road from me in a house that was just as run-down as my own, with a mom that was just as consumed with her demons as my mom. Even as a 9-year-old child, Jessi didn’t follow the herd when they made fun of my greasy hair or dirty clothes, in fact, she once punched a kid dead in the mouth at the bus stop for pointing out the hole in my shoe. Jessi seemed to be the only person, outside of my sisters, who understood. She was my first safe place. My first best friend.

Much of our time was spent unsupervised roaming the streets of our small town. We often found ourselves in much deeper trouble than any 9-year-old children had any business being in, on this day we had gathered all the neighborhood kids up and talked them into playing my favorite game, hide and seek tag.

The other kids hated playing tag with us, as I was the fastest kid within at least a five-block radius, and Jessi… man, when Jessi tagged you, you felt it for DAYS!

She had quite the heavy hand.

We both stopped dead in our tracks as we heard a faint yell. Neither of us could tell exactly where it was coming from, but it was definitely coming from our road.

We stood there, looking at each other as we heard it again.

At this point, the other kids had slowly started coming out of their hiding spots and congregating around us. By the looks on their faces, you could tell that they were just as confused as we were, but also intrigued.

It didn’t sound like a cry for help.

Didn’t seem like anyone was in pain.

There was only one voice, so no one seemed to be arguing.

But there was frustration behind the words that were being said, all though none of us were close enough to make out what those words were.

It was clear that our game of hide and seek was being put on hold as we all put on our detective hats and went straight to work.

Our mission: find out what in the hell was going on.

Chatter among the group varied from someone being murdered slowly to someone stubbing their toe on the refrigerator, we all had very active imaginations and were in full-on Nancy Drew mode as we made our way toward the end of the road.

My heartbeat began to change in my chest as It had gone from curiosity to panic the further we got down the road. The closer we got to my house, the more familiar the voice became.

Our detective work had led us straight to the front porch of the duplex that we lived in.

The yelling was coming from my house.

From my mother.

As the gang and I approached my front porch I could see that the screen door was propped open and my mom pacing the living room talking to herself in just her bra and panties.

Every eye in the group fell upon me as I ducked my head and walked up the stairs toward the open door.

I pushed the screen door open enough to squeeze my little body through and quickly kicked the book that was holding it open out of the way as if that were going to save me from the embarrassment of the kids seeing what was going on in my living room.

I peeked up at my mom, who was standing with her hands on her boney hips staring through her stringy dark hair at me. I hadn’t seen her in days, and judging by the heaviness of the bags under her eyes, she hadn’t slept much while she was away.

“There you are, you little shit!!! I thought I told you to make sure that damn dog had food and water!!”

I’m sure the look on my face didn’t please her, as I was very confused. We didn’t have a dog and I had no idea what was happening.

This is the usual time when Elaina, my older sister, would step up and speak out for us all. She would say something along the lines of

“Go to bed mom, you’re tired as hell”

Elaina had a loving way of dealing with our mother, even though I knew she was as scared as I was on the inside, she never showed it on the outside.

I glanced around the house frantically searching for Elaina.

“Well… What do you have to say for yourself, little girl?”

My mother stood, tapping her foot, hands on her hips, goodies on full display for the neighborhood kids that were now all on the front porch staring through the screen door.

Her words became louder and more aggressive.

I waited for what seemed like ever before answering, praying to God that Elaina would emerge from the bedroom that we 3 girls shared, but no one came.

“Maybe you should take a nap mom, I think you’re tired and my friends are on the porch, you’re going to scare them”

I finally found the words to say, but couldn’t look at her as I said them.

Every bone in my little body wanted to melt into the floor and I was pretty sure I was having a heart attack judging by the pace of my heartbeat.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME???”

She turned and walked toward the kitchen, muttering under her breathe.

I turned to face the screen door, tears in my eyes, I begged the kids to go home, but they all stood, in shock, not moving a muscle.

How could they? It was like a car accident that you can’t look away from.

As I heard my mom stomping back toward me I saw Jessi doing her best to shove the kids away from the screen door.

I turned to face my mother as she returned to the living room with a Koolaide pitcher filled with water.

I pushed the heavy wooden front door closed as quickly as I could and pleaded for her to stop with my eyes, as I couldn’t find the strength to say it with my words.

She walked over to the door and slung it back open, not surprised at all the see Jessi and the few remaining children standing on the porch.

“This is MY God damn house, and I’ll do what I like in it little girl! And I don’t care who sees”

She screamed at me as she unhooked the latch on her bra and emptied the water from the pitcher onto the wooden floor.

“I’ll swim in my house, cause that’s what I want to do, and not a damn person will stop me!!!”

She threw her, now naked, body onto the floor and flayed her arms and legs around in the puddle as if she were swimming. She rolled her body over, laughing, arms stretched out and feet crossed at the ankles staring up at the ceiling fan she was under

“Doesn’t the sun feel good on your cheeks, little girl”

She asked as she tilted her head and smiled at me.

Tears flooded my cheeks. I was filled with fear. Confusion. Embarrassment.

I turned and bolted out the door.

Grabbing Jessi’s hand as I jumped off the porch.

She held my hand tighter than she ever had as we ducked off to our secret hiding place in the ally way a couple of blocks away from our street. We curled up on the tattered old couch that had been dumped there months before and I cried myself to sleep as I laid my head in Jessi’s lap.

That was the last time I stepped foot in the Duplex on Felix street on my own.

The police officer that had found Jessi and me sleeping in the ally way the next day escorted me back to the house to, once more, pack my things in the black trash bag I had grown accustomed to carrying from place to place with me. I was used to this. I knew what was to come from here.

I found an odd sense of security in the black trash bag.

I often drive past the spot where the duplex used to stand, now replaced by the overgrown blackberry bushes where Jessi and I used to pick berries for our “potions “

Each time that I do I say a prayer.

A prayer that God will always help me to find my words when I’m too scared to do it myself.

A prayer that I will always have the strength that my sister had to stand up for those that can’t do it for themselves, even when I’m scared. A prayer of gratitude that my mother finally found reprieve from the demons that took her away from herself.

A prayer of gratitude for my story and the ability to bloom beautifully in the mud.

This is the mud in which the seeds of the lotus flower were planted.

Resilience lies within us all.

You just have to choose to find it.

You are stronger than you know. Allow yourself to have faith in the knowledge of this and you shall overcome anything.