To myself, I promise.

The sound of my alarm clock played loudly in my ear as I blindly searched, slapping my bed sporadically hoping to hit my phone with my hand.
With my free hand, I rubbed my still closed eyes, trying to massage them back to life.
I blinked once.
Twice.
Three times, before I rolled over and scanned my immediate area, snatching the phone up, hitting snooze, and closing my eyes once more.

As I lay there trying to will myself back to sleep God blessed me with reminders of the dream my alarm so rudely pulled me out of.

I was on a hilltop in a beautiful white lace-trimmed skirt. Hair blowing in the wind, sunlight glistening on my skin making it shine as if I were a vampire covered in diamonds. I could still hear the water running cold in the stream below me and could almost smell the scent of the wildflowers dancing in the wind at my feet.

Brilliant yellows, wild oranges, and the deepest purples.

I didn’t want to wake up.
I squeezed my eyes tight.

“Take me back”
I said, just as my alarm starting screaming at me again.

“FINE!!”
I huffed as I threw my feet from my bed to the floor and stomped toward the kitchen to start my coffee.

As I stood, waiting for my coffee to brew, staring off into space, my eyes were drawn to the empty vase that had sat on the top of my refrigerator since I moved in months before.
Right there, before my first sip of coffee had even touched my soul I decided I would put it to use.
Twenty minutes later, messy bun on my head, big ass sunglasses covering my face, Pink sparkly thermos full of coffee in hand, I was off to bring my dream into reality.
I was on the hunt for flowers.

My search led me straight to our local farmers market in the parking lot of the civic center.
I strolled through the aisle studying the many booths. Lined up in rows were vendors selling everything from cleaning products that they claimed would change the way I sanitize forever to turnips that were so plump I almost forgot I didn’t eat them. I stopped at the wienie wagon and bought myself a hot dog and sauntered on over to the only vendor I saw selling flower arrangements.

In front of the stand sat a big black plastic bucket with different bouquets.
Some with only a few purple flowers lined with baby breath.
Some with lots of greenery.
Some overflowing with purples, yellows, reds, and oranges.
The sweet smell delightfully tickled my nose as I grabbed the fullest, brightest bouquet I could find.
Purple, orange, and red flowers line the brown paper holding them together. In the center was one lone yellow flower.

Perfection.

As I held the bouquet in front of me and turned it in to see how beautiful they looked in the sunlight from every angle I saw the price tag and damn near dropped them on the cement.

“Twenty dollars?
Are the forever fucking flowers?”

I immediately put them back in the bucket and turned toward my car, deciding I would make the short trip to Walmart and pick up a $7 bouquet instead.
As I approached my car I could not help but feel disappointed at the thought of how pretty THOSE flowers would look sitting on my kitchen table.

It was there, in the parking lot of the Farmers Market that I realized that if it were foundation, powder, or even mascara I would have absolutely no problem pulling out my wallet and paying the money.
Never had I found the perfect shade of eyeshadow that highlights my brown eyes and thought “I could find something close to this for less. “ and put it back on the shelf.

No.
I just buy it.
When it comes to hiding my imperfections, there isn’t an amount of money that is “Too much”

That day, in that parking lot of the farmers market I decided that if I am not worth the $20 to myself, how in the hell am I ever going to worth it to anyone else?
I strolled back over to the vendor, picked up my flowers, and took them home.

That day I made a promise to myself that I would show the universe exactly how I want to be treated by treating myself that way.
By being worth it to myself.

Recently I have become very restless. I find myself constantly on the move.
I got up this morning and decided to bring new energy into my environment. As I went from room to room deep cleaning I ran across the very vase that once housed those perfect flowers that I were so proud of and I was reminded of the promise I had made to myself that day and realized I wasn’t doing a great job of keeping it.

So.
I took myself on a date.
I showered.
Washed and curled my hair.
Made my face up and put on my favorite earrings.
All the things I would do for my man, I did for myself.

I packed myself a picnic, grabbed my blanket and my book, and headed to the park where I surveyed for the best spot, kicked my shoes off, and sat in the openness beneath the trees.
I listened to the sound of kids laughing, water flowing from the waterfall, and music bumping from passing cars.
I watched the birds fly from tree to tree and the ants crawl across my toes.
I laid under the canopy of trees and read six chapters of a brave woman’s story out loud to myself, shedding a few tears between pages.
I watched in amazement as the setting sun changed the sky from blue to fiery red and orange and the moon went from a blur behind the clouds to a beacon of light in the sky.
I marveled at the lightning bugs carelessly dancing among the bushes.

I realized, once more.
I am worthy of these moments.
Moments when time stands still.
Moments where there are no deadlines to make and no productivity to meet.
There is no to-do list and no worry about what is next.

There is simply just joy.
Just me finding myself through following what sparks my soul.

Tonight I made myself a new promise.
I will not treat myself the way I want my husband to treat me, I will feed my soul what she craves and my husband will simply love me for who I am because of it.

She is better than happy.
She is free.