Do it scared

Today… I affirm that doing it scared is still doing it.

Eight months ago I decided to do it scared.
Do it all…. Scared as hell.
I’ll never forget the morning I woke up and decided, that day, that life had to change.

My ex and I had been separated for a little over a year.
When we first separated he and I sat down and talked about the many ways we could handle the breakup. We had spent the past 15 years together.
Bought and made a home together. Created a life together. Created a family together. Had a business together.
Everything had been “ours” and now we were to sit down and decide what was “his” and what was “mine”.
The thought of that conversation was too much to even begin to face. So, when he suggested that we could both continue to live in “our” house until the debt was paid down, I agreed.

I told myself things like:

“It’s what’s best for the kids”
“We have lived as roommates for years already, what is the harm”
“This will be good for us”

I lied to myself.
Lying to myself was so much easier than admitting that I was scared of being alone.
That I was terrified that I would fail my children.
That I would fail myself.
I was terrified of becoming my mother.
I didn’t think I was strong enough to do it. I didn’t think I was capable.
So, I lied.
Every day I lied to myself.
Every day I lied to him.
Every day I lied to my children.
Every day I lied to everyone.

I was miserable.
Completely lost.
As if mourning the life I had created in my head and the love I made myself believe was real was not bad enough, knowing that he was leaving the house to stay with HER was even more heartbreaking. Not because I wanted him back, but because she had been a constant thorn in the side of our relationship for years.
She was the one person in the whole world that could break my heart even deeper than it already felt.

That was another situation I had lied to myself about for years.
I took the blame for the two of them sneaking around over and over by telling myself that if I were a better woman he wouldn’t have to look elsewhere, and continued to sweep the dirt under the rug because it was too much to handle and I would rather not look at it.

And he was leaving to go to her.
Every time he walked out that door the rug was lifted and shook and all the shit I had swept under it was flying up in my face. And still, I stayed.
Fear will have you doing some crazy shit y’all.

Months went by.
I begged and pleaded.
Screamed and cried.
Threw shit at him and locked him out of the house.
Told him to fuck off.
Told him that I hated him.
Cried some more.
My emotions swallowed me whole.
I didn’t understand why I was acting so far out of character, but I was.
Really… all I wanted was validation.
I just wanted him to admit that I deserved to be broken-hearted.
But, just like me, he was lying to himself.

And so, I continued to drown in my emotions.
Along the way, many beautiful souls were gifted to me by the universe.
God led some truly beautiful people onto my path to help me regain my sight. To begin to see me from the inside out. To hold my hand and fill me with love when I couldn’t bring myself to do it for me.
They slowly filled my cup until I was able to begin to do it myself.

Eventually, I realized that I no longer needed or wanted his validation because I knew that my heartbreak was real. I began to trust myself and trust my feelings.
I was able to validate myself.

Not too long after I came to this realization the environment that I was living in became hell.
It had always been hell, I was just learning to trust my inner voice and everything within me was telling me that there was nothing left here for me.
Although I trusted my intuition, and I knew that this was no longer good for me, I ignored it.
I was still scared. Not lying to myself anymore, but still scared as hell.
Until the universe sent me a message that she knew I wouldn’t ignore.

That morning, I woke up. As I was lying in my bed I was gifted visions of the dream I had the night before. I’m not someone who remembers dreams, so when I experienced this I knew that this was something much more than just remembering a dream.

As I lie in the bed, remembering sitting across the table from my guardian angel Elaina in my dream.
A serene feeling
enveloped me and I felt as if I was being wrapped up in her loving arms. Like she was there, in the room with me, holding me as she used to when I was a scared little girl.

I closed my eyes and remembered the words she had said to me as she lovingly looked me in the eyes in my dreams:

“Stormy, You know you have healed all you can heal here. It’s time to go. I will forever hold your hand. You will never be alone”

That day my life changed as I knew that even though I was scared: I was not alone.

So today I ask you:
What if the very thing you are afraid of is what gives you wings my dear?

Do it.
Even if you have to do it scared.
Do it anyway
Watch your wings catch you before you hit the ground.